Fassy's Features - or, how I grew to love Oscar snubs

Biannually, I emerge from my ivory tower to grace you all with the lessons I have learned in film. Today's lesson? Politics in the Academy Awards, and why they are not necessary a bad thing.

Okay. About a month ago, I saw Shame. I like to boast that I'm one of the few who knew about Michael Fassbender before others knew about Michael Fassbender, even though that really doesn't meant anything. It just seems like bragging rights, for some fucked up reason. Don't even lie, you guys do that, too. Everyone does. It's especially exciting when an actor gets notoriety to be able to turn up your nose and say, "Oh really? You just heard about him/her/it? Psh, I've known about him/her/it for a while now. Did you see This Really Obscure Movie? Pshaw, I judge you. You're not really a fan." Whatever, I admit it. Fuck off.

Anyway. Michael Fassbender, in Shame, easily gives the best performance I have ever seen. He is completely unconsumed with "what the hell he looks like," or what other people think of him. In Hollywood, let's face it, that's rare. He plays Brandon, a sex addict, confronted his addiction when his routine is threatened by the presence of his sister (Carey Mulligan). I went to this movie thinking that my ovaries were going to spontaneously combust with all of the sexiness exuding from the film screen, and sure, for half of the film I was gripping my friend Brooke's hand until it was sore. The popcorn I had smooshed between my legs spilled over, and I couldn't stop myself from grinning like a three year old in a candy store.

But! Then things got weird. Really weird. Really awkward. Spoiler alert ahoy!

Towards the end of the film, at a bar, Brandon hits on a girl. Not out of the ordinary, right? He graphically describes how he wants to go down on her. My thighs were clenching. He fingers her right there at the bar while her breath catches. Guess what? So did mine. Then, her boyfriend pops up. Instead of acting like it was nothing, Brandon decides to shove his fingers, smelling like his girlfriend, under the dude's nose. Arousal done. Awkward! Then, in an extreme moment of self-loathing, Brandon slips into some club in the gay underbelly of Manhattan, and guides a guy (who's been scouting Brandon from across the street) alllll the way to his knees.

If that wasn't enough, soon, we see Brandon heading into a room with two women. Threesome! While, sure, it starts out a little erotic, gets a little hot and heavy… but soon, it turns extremely uncomfortable. Brandon's face contorts, almost like he's in pain. Pushed on by this animalistic need, and that's it. I started with a lump in my throat, but I ended looking around the theatre, glad that my mother didn't come see this movie with me.

Okay. Now, let's talk Academy Awards. Michael Fassbender received a well-deserved nomination for a Golden Globe for Best Actor for his performance. I mean, it's pretty fucking amazing when you can make a movie about one of the sexiest men I've ever seen having sex and masturbating and walking around with his schlong hanging to his knees, and make me feel like I want to dive under the seat in front of me to stop watching it. I think we all know how political award shows can be. While I did think Michael Fassbender stood a chance, the other part of me figured that not enough of the voters for the Globes would have seen it, what with the aptly deserved and elusive NC-17 rating. I mean, the only theatre playing it in my city (and I live in a damn big city) was a rundown piece of shit with homeless dudes hanging out and begging for change. Sorry, motherfucker, I'm paying with a credit card.

Anyway. To be perfectly honest, I thought Leonardo DiCaprio was going to win. I mean, famous-ass actor plus portrayal of a real life political figure equals award, right? Time after time again, this has

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been proven. Much to my surprise (though honestly, not really too much surprise), George Clooney snagged the award. I appreciated the nod in his speech to Fassy's Fulsome Flesh. I really appreciated the finger-bite that accompanied. And when the Academy Award nominations were announced, I fully expected a nod to Michael Fassbender. I didn't think he'd win, but I assumed he'd at least be nominated. In my opinion, it's rare that an actor who deserves to win actually wins (Christoph Waltz received a well-deserved win for his role as Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds, but that's kind of been the extent of my "holy shit, that wasn't a political move" observations in the recent past). Obviously, you can challenge me on this, you may not agree, but come on… the music for The Social Network won over the music for Inception? Really? But I digress.

My girlfriend was the one to inform me. Michael Fassbender wasn't even nominated. In fact, Shame wasn't nominated at all. Not the brilliant script, not the cinematography (which is amazing, and includes just a very few number of shots, period), not Carey Mulligan, none of it. Not Michael Fassbender. Did I mention that already? Oops.

But here's the thing. Okay, yes, at first I was pissed. I mean, whatever, maybe he wouldn't have won, but he at least deserved to be nominated. Academy Award Nominations are huge, it says, "Good job, you don't suck." Any award nomination is pretty badass. And he would forever be known as, "Academy Award nominee Michael Fassbender." Pretty badass. Much cooler on paper than, "Golden Globe Nominee Michael Fassbender." But here's the deal.

After I got over my initial "fuck the po-leese" state of mind and logged online, I saw articles everywhere. "Michael Fassbender snubbed at the Oscars!" "Michael Fassbender not nominated for Shame! What a damn shame!" And guess who got the notoriety he deserved?? So what if he didn't get nominated? With everyone talking about his movie, and the fact that he deserves a fucking award for it, interest in the film and his career has skyrocketed. I mean, fucking skyrocketed. So take that, Academy Award bitches! Take that. Look, if I was an actor, yeah, I'd be pissed about the "snub," but frankly, I'd rather the country be in an uproar because I didn't get the prestige. It's basically a shoo-in for next year's award ceremony. At least in my humble opinion.

And when that nomination comes, I will still claim that I saw him first.